Homesick

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Not cool, God. Totally not cool. I was totally enjoying my homesick pity party, and You just had to get involved, didn’t You? Didn’t You hear me saying, “Leave me alone”? I only said it like 6 dozen million quadrillion times! In fact, it was working. I was almost done. Then the wave started to come back, and I was just going to go to bed, sleep it off, and make it one day closer to home. But You have different plans, don’t You? You want me to write, for some strange reason. Seriously, God? There You go again… Now, I don’t mean any disrespect. I know that Your plans are the best, that You know what You’re doing, etc. I want to honor You in this. That’s why I’m online typing this out. But I’m not thrilled with the idea right now. I know my heart isn’t really honoring You at the moment; that’s probably why I’m sitting here writing this out. My roommate’s playing some music in the background, and You’re really messing with the shuffle feature, aren’t You? Seems like every other song is that one about home. There it goes again. Seriously?! That’s not how the shuffle feature works! I just had to ask her if she was intentionally repeating that song. She’s not touching the program that’s playing the music. So what’s the deal?! This is not how my pity party was supposed to work.

Yeah, I enjoyed Harmonicomedy. It was funny and a great way to relax… Oh wait. Until that group got up… and so many of them reminded me of home. And then there was that kid who, for no reason at all, sent me mentally back to Mexico. And then there was that thought in the back of my mind: “This world is not my home.” So for at least the second half, I was upset. I am upset. My sister’s in a play tonight, and I can’t be there. My cousins are in Florida, and I may or may not see them over Thanksgiving. I need my friends from St. Louis (most of whom are already home, while I’m stuck here). I need their hugs, their comfortable normalcy (and by that I mean their weirdness that is so normal to me now), and their teasing. I need a poke war or a night of crazy randomness. My hermanito is far away, and I’m not going to see him for a while. I just got a letter (via email) from my hermanita. I don’t want to deal with this. I want to go home.

And there’s the problem. Where is home? Is it in St. Louis? That’s where my family is. That’s where I was raised. That’s where my home church is. That’s where my high school friends are. Is it in Mexico? That’s where my thoughts often go. That’s where they speak my language. That’s where I want to be so often. But then, that silly thought comes back: “This world is not my home.” Well, thanks. That’s helpful. I know that’s true, that You’re preparing me for Heaven, but You know what? You gave me this life here, and I intend to feel like I have some semblance of community. Wow… I sound really disrespectful. After all, I’m talking to the Creator of the universe. So, why not delete these sentences and start over when I’m in a more pious mood? Because this is where I’m at, and it’s important that you, reader, not see me only when I’m happy and “perfect.” I’m hurting and angry and not exactly sure where to go with this. I’m taking it out on the One Who can help… as that song reminded me. And then that other song too.

They’re Michael Card songs. Now, to be honest, I don’t really know who the dude is, but my roommate loves his music. The one says, “Am I not enough for you? Never will I leave you.” Yeah… thanks. I know that God, but I’m quite happy right here, angry and upset enjoying my little pity party. And then there’s the other song. It keeps repeating two different lines: “I will be your home” and “I will bring you home.” Guess what. I don’t really want to hear that. I want to be home. Now. Not in a few days, not in a summer or two, not at the end of my life. Just take me home now. And then I hear in my memory: “You did not have a home.” Really?! I know You didn’t have a home here on Earth. I know that this Earth isn’t home. But can’t I just have a moment where I get to enjoy home? Can’t I be there now, enjoying my sister’s play, hanging out with my friends, sleeping in the house I grew up in? Why do I have to stay at college longer than other people? Why don’t I get to spend a whole week with my friends and family? Why do I have to grow up so fast?

It’s really painful. And really uncomfortable. And I’m not ready. And then You remind me that, as Tozer said, I must “take refuge from God in God” (The Knowledge of the Holy). So, in other words, while I’m busy trying to throw my pity party and run away and eventually feel better, the only solution is to run to You? Not exactly what I was planning. See this face? It’s really frustrated and unhappy and trying really hard to be selfish but having to deal with the reality that You are the Creator and I am not. That You are God and I am not. (Really?! Really?! Just when I’m looking for a good ending, You have to point to truth in another song? I knew You used song, but this just isn’t cool… or at least it’s not what I expected.) So, unhappy and homesick as I may be, I’ll “leave everything to follow You.”

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